Some days are so hard
When my mind is against me
Making things harder than they need to be
So I fight to stop these thoughts
It seems I never really win
I rise again today
Let the games begin
Nyx
writing
Facing fear
This was the first year of my life
That I stopped the cycle
The cycle that led me back
To the high of the chase
Then the low from the agony
There has been a void
That my mind used to fill
I have lived this year
Facing the thing I fear the most
I am alone
Nyx
This is not the end
Today I feel so lost
I used to be so sure of my direction
Where I was going
Who I was
Who I wanted to be
Now I feel myself grow tired
Of the frustration each day brings
Wondering what is happening to me
Feeling this lack of security
It is tearing me apart
Indecision clouds my mind
As I feel time slipping away
I feel myself falling
A little more each day
I do not know what to do
I do not know where to go
I will try to find some peace
I will try to find myself again
I do not want to feel this way
This is not the end
Nyx
Self hate
I listen as the world moves around me
Self hate is boiling inside
Bubbling over into reality
Nyx
Humbled
A path I thought was certain
Is no longer there for me
I know I must accept this
But the anxiety burns my chest
I was so sure of myself
So sure of who I would be
So sure of what I would do
It filled me with joy
These thoughts of the path I always dreamed of
I did not see this loss
After coming this far I had no doubts
Yet humbled I have become
Reminded that this is a fight I have not won
So quickly things can change
So quickly hope can lead to pain
I have to find a new path
I have to learn from this
I have to accept this failure
See it for what it is
This was not meant to be
I cannot let this failed dream beat me
Nyx
Embrace the darkness
Once again I embrace the darkness
As alone as I have always been
He is the only comfort I know
The only one who never leaves
I hear the world outside
A world I do not belong in
I belong with darkness
He never lets me down
I sit here waiting
Knowing he will come someday
He will come and take all this pain away
Nyx
A bird with a broken wing
I had to let you go
That short lived feeling
Has long passed
I need to find a way
To be ok today
I need to find a way
To stop the pain again
What the hell do I do
When all I want is to escape
To feel something else
Besides this eternal heartache
I know longer care
If I win or lose
I know longer know
Who I even am
All I have ever done
Is fight to want to live
Without this dream I have
There is nothing left to give
A wanderer is what I am
A warrior as well
I hold my shield up
But my arms they grow weary
And sometimes I take a hit
When I let the shield fall
This is when you see it all
The pain is on my face
The plastered pieces start to crumple
And the fissures and scars all show
This is what I am
A scarred and broken thing
Like a beautiful bird
With a broken wing
I cannot sing
I cannot fly
The truth is that every day
What I long for
Is to simply die
I try to see the beauty in the world
I try to look toward the sky
I try to ask myself questions
I start to wonder why
Peace has not found me
This is when I cry
Nyx
I wrote this poem back in 2018. This poem is my favorite because it is a clear view to my soul. This is how I truly see myself.
Blood of my blood
I had to let you go again
Blood of my blood
Torn from me you will always be
By no fault of yours
Just the choice to love one of the destroyers of my life
A destroyer I will never forgive
A monster only I can see
Who cradles you in her arms
Nyx
Reality
Today I wanted to stay in my dreams
There was no pain or hardship there
I didn’t want to wake up to this reality
The reality of the loneliness in my life
The reality of the skin I live in
The reality of the shame I feel
I wish it all wasn’t real
Nyx
Seconds that speed away
I just want to escape
Leave this pain behind
Leave this world behind
The sadness has passed
Now I am numb
Dead inside
Staying where no one can see me
Aware of how quickly the seconds go
Aware that soon my time will be over
This time that continues to speed away
All I can do is hope
That pain does not follow me after this life
Nyx
