There is no escaping who you are

What do you do when you want to escape your own skin

What do you do when you are tired of the emptiness

What do you do when your tired of that uneasy feeling

There is no escaping who you are

Nyx

Pushed perceptions

Today is another

Day like yesterday

I try to find something

Anything that will make me want to get up

I wish I could just be happy

Instead I just feel lost

I try to think of things in a positive way

I try to think it’s great that I woke up today

But for all the positive quotes I read

All the pushed perceptions that should make this better

I still sit here empty

I still sit here in sorrow

Longing for a life I never had

Nyx

Never ending nothing

I am lost again today

I am just a hole

A black mass

Of never ending nothing

Never ending nothing

Nyx

I will not be consumed by darkness

Today I felt myself fall backward

Into the sadness and the pain

The longing to escape was so great

Even greater than my own self hate

Slowly I took myself away from the darkness

Because I had to

Instead of thinking of the sadness

Instead of thinking of the things I have lost

I thought of the things I do have

I thought of the things I have fought for

Sometimes it feels like I go back to the beginning

The beginning of a journey through hell

I just have to remind myself that I have already been there

I have already come this far

I have to say to myself this darkness

It is not who you are

Nyx

Self hate

I listen as the world moves around me

Self hate is boiling inside

Bubbling over into reality

Nyx

Embrace the darkness

Once again I embrace the darkness

As alone as I have always been

He is the only comfort I know

The only one who never leaves

I hear the world outside

A world I do not belong in

I belong with darkness

He never lets me down

I sit here waiting

Knowing he will come someday

He will come and take all this pain away

Nyx

A bird with a broken wing

I had to let you go

That short lived feeling

Has long passed

I need to find a way

To be ok today

I need to find a way

To stop the pain again

What the hell do I do

When all I want is to escape

To feel something else

Besides this eternal heartache

I know longer care

If I win or lose

I know longer know

Who I even am

All I have ever done

Is fight to want to live

Without this dream I have

There is nothing left to give

A wanderer is what I am

A warrior as well

I hold my shield up

But my arms they grow weary

And sometimes I take a hit

When I let the shield fall

This is when you see it all

The pain is on my face

The plastered pieces start to crumple

And the fissures and scars all show

This is what I am

A scarred and broken thing

Like a beautiful bird

With a broken wing

I cannot sing

I cannot fly

The truth is that every day

What I long for

Is to simply die

I try to see the beauty in the world

I try to look toward the sky

I try to ask myself questions

I start to wonder why

Peace has not found me

This is when I cry

Nyx

I wrote this poem back in 2018. This poem is my favorite because it is a clear view to my soul. This is how I truly see myself.

Blood of my blood

I had to let you go again

Blood of my blood

Torn from me you will always be

By no fault of yours

Just the choice to love one of the destroyers of my life

A destroyer I will never forgive

A monster only I can see

Who cradles you in her arms

Nyx

Reality

Today I wanted to stay in my dreams

There was no pain or hardship there

I didn’t want to wake up to this reality

The reality of the loneliness in my life

The reality of the skin I live in

The reality of the shame I feel

I wish it all wasn’t real

Nyx

Seconds that speed away

I just want to escape

Leave this pain behind

Leave this world behind

The sadness has passed

Now I am numb

Dead inside

Staying where no one can see me

Aware of how quickly the seconds go

Aware that soon my time will be over

This time that continues to speed away

All I can do is hope

That pain does not follow me after this life

Nyx