Once again I long for death
Devastated and broken
By what I have spoken
To someone who cared about me
Sometimes I wonder if the pain will rip me apart
Sometimes I wonder if the pain will stop my heart
What would I be
If I was not me
Darkness and pain
Fire and anger that spreads
Underneath my chest
Is that all that I am
This thing that should not have been
This thing that suffers in the dark
Please someone help me
Please just take me away
Dear God please just kill me today
Nyx
I’ve been avoiding the sunlight
I’ve been avoiding my life
I am so tired of many things
Most of all I am tired of myself
Tired of the shame
Tired of the pain
Tired of existing as I am
What is the point of life
If I am unable to live it
Why give me so much love
And then make it so hard to give it
I have to find some hope
Because I have lost it again
The pain is so extreme
The pain is too much
There has to be a reason
There has to be a way
To pull myself away from this darkness
Once again today
Nyx
I kind of want to die again
It’s been a little while
It’s very hard to be alive right now
Its very hard to exist as myself in this current state that I am in
Should I do something
Should I help others in some way
Or have I already said
All there is to say
Nyx
I wake up feeling this tension
It wraps around my heart
I wake up with good intention
But I feel this anxiety
It is there as soon as I wake
Can I get through this day
Without feeling my heart break
Can I get through this day
Feeling better at the end
Will I find myself again
Nyx
I am lost again today
I am just a hole
A black mass
Of never ending nothing
Never ending nothing
Nyx
Today I felt myself fall backward
Into the sadness and the pain
The longing to escape was so great
Even greater than my own self hate
Slowly I took myself away from the darkness
Because I had to
Instead of thinking of the sadness
Instead of thinking of the things I have lost
I thought of the things I do have
I thought of the things I have fought for
Sometimes it feels like I go back to the beginning
The beginning of a journey through hell
I just have to remind myself that I have already been there
I have already come this far
I have to say to myself this darkness
It is not who you are
Nyx
I had to let you go
That short lived feeling
Has long passed
I need to find a way
To be ok today
I need to find a way
To stop the pain again
What the hell do I do
When all I want is to escape
To feel something else
Besides this eternal heartache
I know longer care
If I win or lose
I know longer know
Who I even am
All I have ever done
Is fight to want to live
Without this dream I have
There is nothing left to give
A wanderer is what I am
A warrior as well
I hold my shield up
But my arms they grow weary
And sometimes I take a hit
When I let the shield fall
This is when you see it all
The pain is on my face
The plastered pieces start to crumple
And the fissures and scars all show
This is what I am
A scarred and broken thing
Like a beautiful bird
With a broken wing
I cannot sing
I cannot fly
The truth is that every day
What I long for
Is to simply die
I try to see the beauty in the world
I try to look toward the sky
I try to ask myself questions
I start to wonder why
Peace has not found me
This is when I cry
Nyx
I wrote this poem back in 2018. This poem is my favorite because it is a clear view to my soul. This is how I truly see myself.
I had to let you go again
Blood of my blood
Torn from me you will always be
By no fault of yours
Just the choice to love one of the destroyers of my life
A destroyer I will never forgive
A monster only I can see
Who cradles you in her arms
Nyx
I just want to escape
Leave this pain behind
Leave this world behind
The sadness has passed
Now I am numb
Dead inside
Staying where no one can see me
Aware of how quickly the seconds go
Aware that soon my time will be over
This time that continues to speed away
All I can do is hope
That pain does not follow me after this life
Nyx
I sit here and I feel the pain
The pain that loneliness brings
I remind myself that I have to feel
I remind myself that I cannot shut it off or I will never heal
But the heaviness wears me down
I feel it pulling me further away
Then I feel the pain in my chest
The same pain as before
The pain that I just do not want to feel anymore
Nyx
Words From The Borderline 
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