Deflect

I used to dream of death

Those dreams where the best I ever had

An escape from the pain

An escape from this life

An escape from the gap in my mind

A gap that is thick and sharp like a knife

Then there was apathy

The numbness from the inside out

I drifted from here to there

There were no feelings and no doubt

Now all I do is deflect

Deflect the obstacles that continue to come

When I think I am finished with one

I realize I will never be done

I guess this is just the way life is meant to be

A constant battle

A constant fight to be free

Nyx

Bleeding Heart

I thought I was strong

But right now I am weak

I should have known all along

What my weakness was

I should have remembered

That happiness isn’t real

I should have remembered

The way that heart break makes me feel

I didn’t remember until the pain hit

I didn’t remember until my chest was burning

I didn’t remember until the world around me was shaking and turning

Well here I am

As I sit

Asking myself what is wrong with me

Blaming myself because I didn’t see

What my weakness was all along

That I am not strong

I am a bleeding heart

Doomed from the start

My bleeding heart is my weakness

Nyx

Dead Inside

I wish I knew what was wrong with me

Sometimes I wish that I couldn’t see

I wish I was blind to everything

I wish I was blind to everyone

I just want to escape this life

I just want to be someone else

I don’t want to feel this pain anymore

I don’t want to feel anything at all

What is it that I am fighting for

Is it freedom, or is it something more

Maybe I will find the answer

Or maybe I will never get that far

I guess it doesn’t really matter

I am still locked inside a cage

With agony trapped inside

Mixed with sorrow and with rage

Here I am again, back and forth I go

I would love to feel peace for just a moment

I would love for my heart rate to slow

I give up on hopes and wishes

I give up on dreams today

I just want to lay here tonight

Dead inside as I wait for the sun to rise

 

Nyx

Through the door

I sit here feeling my chest cave in
Wondering why everything is a fight
When I think it will begin
When I know that something is right
The door is slammed in my face
Why can’t I just erase
The things that keep me from you
Why can’t I just escape from this cage
What else do I need to go through
To get through the door
What else do I need to go through
To get to you

Nyx

Image Source https://www.flickr.com/photos/briceportolano/6970476552/

 

I’m alive

Here comes the pain again 

Grips me so hard I cannot stand 

Tears apart my chest 

Tears apart my soul

At least I know I’m alive 

My Shame

The glass shatters around me

As everything falls apart

You took away my faith in you

When you broke my heart

I listen to the venom spew from you

As I try to keep myself sane

I try to keep myself together

To make myself aware

That I am to blame

Because I could not be alone

Because I could not do it on my own

That is my weakness

That is my shame

Nyx

Image Source:  http://abduction.ml

 

 

The Labyrinth 

My hope comes crashing down

Whenever you are around

You crush out the spark

Push me into the dark

Darkness grabs me then

He pulls me down with him

Leaving me in a daze

I see my life through smeared glass

As I walk along this maze

This labyrinth that changes form and shape

This labyrinth I can not escape

Nyx

Image source : http://psychobarbiedoll.tumblr.com

All that is left of me 

And hell will follow me

Wherever I go

Such is this life

This I just know

I will race ahead

Leave it behind

But if I stumble

If it catches me

Darkness is nothing

Compared to this agony

It will follow

But I will not look back

I will not stumble

I will stay on track

I have no choice

I used my voice

There is no turning around

Just each step forward

As I push from the ground

Look ahead not behind you

Or fear will blind you

If you love me you will see

All I ever was, and all that is left of me

Image Source: https://www.flickr.com/photos/c_joe32/

Hello Darkness

Hello Darkness there you are

Just in time to pull me down

I see you creeping in the shadows

Waiting for your chance

Come on darkness grab me now

Take me to another place

Take me to another time

Take me with you down below

Take me slowly so I don’t know

Listen now as my heart beats low

Softer and softer until there is no sound

I feel my body as it grows cold

I feel myself fall and hit the ground

Oh sweet darkness you are my friend

I’m so glad it was you who took me

In the end

Nyx

Image source: http://lagnaetti.tumblr.com

When I take my last breath

As the darkness consumes me

I lose all sight and hope

I can no longer see

What is behind, beside, or in front of me

It pulls me down deeper and deeper

Takes away my will to live

There is nothing I would not give

To not be me today

There is nothing I would not give

To have never lived at all

I am still alone

This I know is true

There is nothing that anyone can say

Nothing that anyone can do

That can truly bring me peace

I fear I will only find it

When my body can no longer take the pain

Burning in my chest

I fear I will only find it

When I take my last breath

To my readers and the people who care about my posts,

When I write, it is not always literal, it is not always about the present. Please do not interpret this literally. I only say this, because I know that I have readers who think that what I write is always at this moment, and that is not the case. I will not always say when or where or how these poems come to me. I always appreciate everyones empathy, concern, and happiness when I post my poems. Please keep in mind that these posts are not always what they seem, they are not always literal, and they are definitely not always present day.  Please know that I appreciate everyone who enjoys my writing, I just think this needed to be said. To everyone who reads and supports my poems I appreciate the hell out of you. 

Peace and Love,

Nyx