Never ending nothing

I am lost again today

I am just a hole

A black mass

Of never ending nothing

Never ending nothing

Nyx

I will not be consumed by darkness

Today I felt myself fall backward

Into the sadness and the pain

The longing to escape was so great

Even greater than my own self hate

Slowly I took myself away from the darkness

Because I had to

Instead of thinking of the sadness

Instead of thinking of the things I have lost

I thought of the things I do have

I thought of the things I have fought for

Sometimes it feels like I go back to the beginning

The beginning of a journey through hell

I just have to remind myself that I have already been there

I have already come this far

I have to say to myself this darkness

It is not who you are

Nyx

I do not walk alone

All this time I thought I was walking alone

I was wrong

There has always been a presence beside me

This presence that is trying to guide me

Guide me towards my purpose

Guide me towards peace

There is a purpose for this pain

I am reassured by this

In everything that I do

Sometimes I have to listen

Sometimes I have to see

Sometimes I have to feel

Sometimes it is just a thought

I always find the answer

I always find a way

Because my guide is beside me

Every single day

Nyx

Image source geckzilla on Flickr

Let the games begin

Some days are so hard

When my mind is against me

Making things harder than they need to be

So I fight to stop these thoughts

It seems I never really win

I rise again today

Let the games begin

Nyx

Facing fear

This was the first year of my life

That I stopped the cycle

The cycle that led me back

To the high of the chase

Then the low from the agony

There has been a void

That my mind used to fill

I have lived this year

Facing the thing I fear the most

I am alone

Nyx

This is not the end

Today I feel so lost

I used to be so sure of my direction

Where I was going

Who I was

Who I wanted to be

Now I feel myself grow tired

Of the frustration each day brings

Wondering what is happening to me

Feeling this lack of security

It is tearing me apart

Indecision clouds my mind

As I feel time slipping away

I feel myself falling

A little more each day

I do not know what to do

I do not know where to go

I will try to find some peace

I will try to find myself again

I do not want to feel this way

This is not the end

Nyx

Self hate

I listen as the world moves around me

Self hate is boiling inside

Bubbling over into reality

Nyx

“We should always be asking ourselves: “ Is this something that is, or is not, in my control?” Epictetus

Humbled

A path I thought was certain

Is no longer there for me

I know I must accept this

But the anxiety burns my chest

I was so sure of myself

So sure of who I would be

So sure of what I would do

It filled me with joy

These thoughts of the path I always dreamed of

I did not see this loss

After coming this far I had no doubts

Yet humbled I have become

Reminded that this is a fight I have not won

So quickly things can change

So quickly hope can lead to pain

I have to find a new path

I have to learn from this

I have to accept this failure

See it for what it is

This was not meant to be

I cannot let this failed dream beat me

Nyx